I AM MY OWN DAD

 Dear Dad,

Thank you for all the happy, lovely memories you gave me as a child. 

Thank you for saddling the horses, so I could go for a ride with you in the foothills. 

Thank you for giving me enormous smiles while pulling me on water skis behind the boat.  

Thank you for "bear stories" and for "sack of potatoes."

Thank you for daddy daughter dates.

Thank you for teaching me how to work hard.

Thank you for teaching me how to love nature and the many backpacking adventures.

Thank you for my love of high mountain lakes. 

Thank you for giving me your lovely parents.

And Dad...

Thank you for giving me the deep and dark abyss in my heart. 

Without the pain of losing you Dad, who still lives, I would be unable to understand the acute, contrast between unconditional love and lack of it.

The feeling of support by a father and the ever present heart rendering, lack of support from a father. 

The painful heartbreak of always feeling neglected and abandoned and what it feels like to be held in adoration by another.

Thank you Dad, for the tremendous pain of feeling so non-existent that I'm able to endure the degradation of rape and heart-splintering emotional abuse.  

Dad,

 I'm so grateful that I know directly straight to my heart, what being without a father feels like because...

I now know what true self love is and how, I would never find my Dad in any men and, that I would continue to attract men that would abandon me, neglect me, and not be able to reflect that love back to me, until...

I pour into my sweet, beautiful broken heart all the love a father does. 

I am now, my own Dad.

I treat my little girl like the amazing, diamond heart that she is. 

I recognize her strengths and her weaknesses. 

I encourage her to stay the course, to keep her chin up and to...follow her precious heart.

I keep her safe from the world and teach her how to say "no" and to kick ass when it's needed.  

I'm the one who tucks her safely in bed at night and tells her "everything is going to be alright my dear." 

I am the one who looks into her eyes and tells her she is beautiful and magnificent. 

I am my own Dad. 

I cry on my own shoulder and allow myself to be vulnerable. 

I hold my own heart dear and love myself fiercely through this life.

I see myself as the representation of the loveliest of all things in life, and as the very best of me.