THIS FALL HAS BEEN AN INTERESTING ONE. GOING SLOWLY INWARD AND INTO THE YING OF THIS TIME OF YEAR, I HAVE FOUND MYSELF THINKING AND FEELING SOME WONDERFUL THINGS. I'M SPENDING TIME WITH WONDERFUL PEOPLE, AND BEING A PART OF SOME EXTRAORDINARY MOMENTS THAT BRING TRUTH UNFOLDING BEFORE ME. ITS NOT SUMMER OR SPRING AND YET, AT THIS TIME OF CLOSING AND DYING AND SHIFTING, I FIND MYSELF OPENING, BLOOMING AND DANCING IN NEW AND BEAUTIFUL UNCHARTED TERRITORY.
I'VE BEEN FULL OF QUESTIONS AND TREMENDOUS LAUGHS AND UNKNOWNS...AND WONDERFUL THINGS.
LIFE IS SO SHORT, WE HAVE BUT MOMENTS REALLY. MOMENTS TO MAKE WITH OUR TRUE SELVES AND WITH OUR HEARTS OPEN AND WILLING. 
WE TAKE RISKS AND STEP ON TO GROUND THAT IS UNMAPPED AND WITHOUT NAME. TO BE IN THE UNKNOWN, TO SWIM IN IT'S WATERS, TO LIVE PASSIONATELY AND WITH BRAVERY IS TRUE LIFE.
WHAT OTHER WAY IS THERE TO BE? AT LEAST FOR THIS WOMAN, THERE IS NO OTHER WAY. LOOK IT IN THE EYES, SAY YES, AND WALK FORWARD OR LIFT MY ARMS TO THE HEAVENS AND SAY, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR EVERY MOMENT I AM GIVEN AND EVERY MOMENT FULL OF JOY AND WONDERMENT AND SHARE IT. SHARE IT.
SOME OF MY MOST FAVORITE MOMENTS THIS FALL CAPTURED I'LL SHARE. AND... THERE ARE SO MANY NOT CAPTURED, THAT HAVE CAPTURED ME.


MY SISTER'S BIRTHDAY DINNER

 KRIS DOTY

WHITE TRASH BURGDORF

APPLE BERRY STRAWBERRY!

DAHLIAS

THIS GUY

LIKE A VILLAIN

THIS STUFF

YES

MOMENTS SEEN

SHARING SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL WITH SOMEONE SPECIAL

THIS

QUIET MOMENTS

GOOD STUFF

SPELLBINDING

BEING REMINDED

SWEETNESS

THIS PLACE

MI FEENIE

SKIES

IF I'M TERRIFIED, I KNOW I'M CLOSE TO MY HEARTS TRUTH

FEENA GROWING UP AND BEING MY FRIEND

IT'S SO SIMPLE, AT TIMES IT SEEMS LUDICROUS.
LIFE. IT'S SO SIMPLE.  WE MAKE IT COMPLICATED AND TIRESOME BY OUR OVER THINKING AND OUT DOING, AND FOR WANTING MORE AND NOT BEING SATISFIED WITH WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.
I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR THESE SIMPLE THINGS. AND MY ABILITY TO HAVE PASSION. AND FOR LAUGHING AT SOMETHING YOU BOTH THINK IS FUNNY, DOING WHAT FEELS FUN AND ADVENTUROUS, BEING THE GOOFBALL. LOVE BEING HELD SO TIGHTLY, AND IT'S NOT ENOUGH. I SO ADORE SMILES AIMED AT ME AND KISSES SHARED IN SINCERITY.

FOR MOMENTS WITH MY SISTER WHEN AT TIMES IT IS UNKNOWN HOW LONG I HAVE WITH HER. I LOVE THAT MY SON TOOK THE LEAP AND WENT TO THE JUNGLE. I'M GRATEFUL FOR DANCE AND IT'S ABILITY TO BRING ME TO MY HEART AND TO MY JOY. MY MOMENTS IN THE DARK WITH FEENA TALKING AND KISSING GOOD NIGHT.

LIFE, MY FAVORITE. IT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME AND CUTS ME TO THE BONE, AND PUSHES ME TO MY KNEES. EVEN SO,  I'M GRATEFUL FOR IT'S TREMENDOUS ABILITY TO GIVE WONDER, AWE, INSPIRE! FOR THE WAY IT ALLOWS FOR SHARING OF LOVE AND JOY AND SWEETNESS BEYOND WORDS!
IT'S MY FAVORITE.

LIFE...IS A FUNNY THING.

WE GO THROUGH IT BLIND SOMETIMES...BLIND TO ALL THE MIRACLES IT SHOWS US EVERYDAY.

WE PASS THROUGH IT DAY AFTER DAY AND SOMETIMES WE NEVER EVEN STOP TO LOOK AROUND AND WONDER AT WHAT IT ALL IS AND HOW WE'RE BEING IN IT.

DO WE ASK OURSELVES HOW WE WANT TO BE IN THIS DAY? AND THEN ADJUST ACCORDINGLY? DO WE ASK OURSELVES WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO I WANT TO BE TODAY? 

 DO WE ASK...HOW WILL I LOVE TODAY?

DO WE ASK OURSELVES HOW WILL MY ACTIONS TODAY EFFECT MY FUTURE AND MY FUTURE SELF?

THESE ARE ALL THINGS I'VE BEEN ASKING MYSELF LATELY. I WANT TO GET TO THE HEART OF WHAT MY SOUL & HEART TRULY DESIRE. I WANT TO SEE WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF AND I WANT TO BECOME A TRUE ADVOCATE IN MY OWN LIFE, AND FOR THOSE THAT I CARE FOR MOST, IN THIS SHORT LIFE.

I WANT TO LOVE MORE...REALLY LOVE...THE UNCONDITIONAL KIND...THE TRANSCENDING KIND, THE KIND OF LOVE THAT CHANGES YOUR DNA, THE KIND THAT TAPS YOU INTO A GREATER SOURCE AND THAT MAKES LOVE OOZE OUT OF YOUR POURS AND INTO EVERYTHING YOU ARE AND DO...AT LEAST MOST OF WHAT YOU DO...I KNOW I'M A MERE HUMAN. AND I AM WELL AWARE OF MY FEARS. DO I HAVE ENOUGH GRIT? DO I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO TRULY CLIMB THIS MOUNTAIN?... CAN I LET GO AND LET SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF ME WHEN I'M FALLING?...DO I TRUST?

 I WANT TO BE LOVED...TRULY LOVED...ALL OF ME. I WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND SEEN, OR AT LEAST ASKED ABOUT MY HEART AND HOW IT SEES AND FEELS THIS LIFE.

I AM FULL...AND AM READY FOR THE OVERFLOW...THE RADIATING OUTWARD...IN ALL DIRECTIONS...SEEPING INTO THE CREVICES OF MY LIFE...THE OUTPOURING...

...OF LOVE 

I'M ENOUGH AND I'M ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TOUGH ENOUGH...
AND I'M TENDER ENOUGH...I AM ENOUGH...I AM...LOVE

INJUSTICE       INEQUALITY      

I WENT TO SEE THE AMAZING MOVIE 12 YEARS A SLAVE THIS EVENING. 
I ADVICE EVERYONE TO SEE IT. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO WATCH. 
IT MAKES YOUR STOMACH CURL AND YOUR MIND SICK AND YOUR HEART ACHE!... AND IT IS NEEDED. 
ANGER STARTED TO BUILD UP INSIDE ME...SLOWLY IT CREPT INTO MY BLOOD, MY ORGANS, AND MY CELLS. MY MIND KEPT SAYING HOW DARE THIS HAPPEN!! 
HOW COULD PEOPLE BE SO CRUEL AND INHUMANE!
MY HEART WAS WAILING...BECAUSE IT KNOWS THAT THERE ARE THOUSANDS, OUT IN THE WORLD TONIGHT IN BONDAGE. THERE ARE CHILDREN COLD, LOCKED UP AND CRYING THAT THEY MAY NEVER SEE THERE FAMILIES AGAIN.
THERE ARE WOMAN BEING BEATEN AND RAPED EVERYDAY IN ... SLAVERY!!!

THIS MAKES ME WANT TO WAIL....WHAT THE !@#$%^&* IS WRONG WITH US?!?!?!!
WE SIT IN OUR COZY HOMES AND GO TO OUR COZY GROCERY STORES AND EAT AT OUR "FAST FOOD" PLACES AND WE DO NO -THING!!! 
WHAT THE !@#$%^&* IS WRONG WITH US?!?!!
HAVE WE BEEN SO NUMBED, SO FUCKING DUMBED THAT WE HAVE FORGOTTEN TO STAND UP FOR OTHERS...FOR OURSELVES.
ARE WE REALLY WHAT OTHERS SAY ABOUT US, FAT LAZY AND RUDE?!?
ARE WE SO DEMENTED BY OUR LACK OF PASSION LIVES AND TOXIC EXISTENCE AND WHITE PRIVILEGE, THAT WE HAVE FORGOTTEN OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS OUT IN THE WORLD... STARVING IN SLAVERY, STARVING IN CAMPS MADE BY WAR, STARVING IN OUR OWN BACK YARDS?

SLAVERY IS ALIVE AND WELL IN THIS "MODERN AGE!!" 
WE ARE SLAVES TO OUR PLASTIC CHINESE MADE !@#$%^&*! 
AND ARE MADE SLAVES FROM WAR, POVERTY AND LACK OF CARING BY COUNTRIES THAT CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

WE SAY WE ARE FREE?!? YES, WE CAN SHOP AT THE PLASTIC STORES AND BUY SUPER FAST FOOD AND GO TO MOVIES AND HAVE HEAT AND IPADS...
BUT ARE WE FREE?!?! 
I SAY WE ARE SLAVES!!! ALL OF US! 
SOME OF US CAN'T EVEN SPEAK FOR OURSELVES, WE ARE TO YOUNG, TO MENTALLY ILL OR TO PUSHED DOWN. SOME CAN'T LEGALLY MARRY WHO THEY CHOOSE, WE CAN'T EVEN GET REAL FUCKING FOOD OR DECENT WAGES OR CARE FOR OUR HEALTH!!    THAT'S FREEDOM?!?!!

IT HURTS ME SO DEEPLY TO SEE WHAT WE HAVE BECOME! THAT WE HAVE ALLOWED SUCH HORRORS TO EXIST IN THIS WORLD, RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES, AND TO THOSE WHO NEED US THE MOST.

IF WE CAN'T GET OUR NEEDS MET IN ONE OF THE WEALTHIEST COUNTRIES ON THIS GIGANTIC GREEN AND BLUE MASS! 
HOW THE !@#$%^&* DO WE THINK THERE IS ANY HOPE FOR THOSE IN POVERTY AND REAL LACK?!!

IT IS MY HEART FELT WISH, THAT YOU SIT, QUIETLY...FOR JUST 10 MINUTES, TODAY...AND THINK ON HOW YOU ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE. 
HOW DO YOU CHOOSE LIFE WITH YOUR BUYING? HOW DO YOU CHOOSE LIFE WITH YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS TOWARD OTHERS. HOW DO YOU CHOOSE LIFE WITH YOUR WORK AND PLAY AND DOLLARS? I'M ASKING MYSELF THIS RIGHT NOW, AND I AM SAD AT MY CHOICES AND MY LACK OF ACTIVISM.

IT TAKES ONLY 10% OF THE MASSES TO CHANGE, TO SHIFT. PLEASE THINK OF THOSE OUT THERE ALONE, SUFFERING AND IN BONDAGE. THEY ARE YOUR BROTHERS, SISTERS AND FAMILY...WORLD FAMILY. 
THEY DESERVE TO HAVE THE MOST BASIC OF NEEDS...FOOD, SHELTER AND TO FEEL SAFE...TO BE LOVED.

IF WE DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR CONNECTION...WE WILL NOT SURVIVE. 


DO ONE THING TODAY, MAKE ONE CHOICE TODAY...THAT BENEFITS US ALL...THE WHOLE...INSTEAD OF YOU.


 

CHANGES

SOMEONE VERY SWEET AND KIND TO ME SAID TODAY "YOU KNOW WHAT MARK TWAIN SAID, TO BE A GOOD WRITER, YOU HAVE TO WRITE, EVERYDAY."

I HAVE BEEN WRITING SINCE I WAS IN 3RD GRADE. NOT EVERYDAY, BUT A LOT. I HAVE ALWAYS KEPT A JOURNAL, SOMETIMES TWO AT A TIME. I HAVE WRITTEN PLAYS, POEMS, SONGS, SHORT STORIES AND HAVE SEVERAL BLOGS. SOME OF THESE ARE HANGING IN SUSPENSION OUT IN CYBER LAND.

I LOVE TO WRITE. I HONESTLY DON'T MIND BEING GOOD, AND IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER TO ME. I JUST MUST WRITE.
I'M TAKING THE CHALLENGE...TO WRITE EVERYDAY, FOR 30 DAYS. IF I CONTINUE TO WRITE AFTER THAT...EXCELLENT!

MARCH 27, 2014

TODAY I RECIEVED A TEXT FROM A MAN, WHO I WAS SEEING FOR A MOMENT, WHO IS VERY UPSET ABOUT MY CAUSING DRAMA IN HIS FAMILY. I AM THE WOMAN WHO HAS SIGNED AN AFFIDAVIT THAT COULD CHANGE HIS LIFE, FOR A WHILE, OR FOREVER.
 I CHOSE TO DO THIS OUT OF CONCERN AND FROM UNDERSTANDING THAT AS A SMALL CHILD, OUR PARENTS HOLD MUCH OF OUR STORY IN THEIR HANDS.
I AM HOPING THAT MY INTERVENTION, CHANGES HER STORY FOR THE BETTER AND THAT SHE BE GIVEN A HEALTHY AND SAFE BEGINNING.

HE SEES THIS FROM A MUCH DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW. I UNDERSTAND THAT, AND CAN SEE WHERE HE IS COMING FROM AND SYMPATHIZE WITH IT IMMENSELY. ULTIMATELY, I WILL ADVOCATE FOR CHILDREN OVER THE PLIGHT OF AN ADULT, EVERYTIME.

SO THAT IS A VERY SHORT STORY ABOUT A MAN AND HIS CHILD AND ME IN THE MIDDLE. LIFE IS CHANGE AND CHANGE IS ... HAPPENING.

I FEEL VERY BLESSED TO HAVE HAD THE UP BRINGING I HAD. IT WAS RIPE WITH DRAMA, CHAOS AND PURE, INNOCENT JOY. I WAS ALLOWED TO REALLY BE IN THE ELEMENTS, RIDING ATOP A HORSE, OR SKIING ON 2 SKIS IN THE LAKE. I CLIMBED BOULDER FIELDS IN THE BACK OF MY GRANDPARENTS CABIN, I JUMPED OFF TALL ROCKS INTO THE WATER. I PICKED HUCKLE BERRIES TILL MY FINGERS WERE STAINED PURPLE FOR A WEEK. 

I HIKED WITH MY DAD BACK INTO PLACES THAT WERE STEEP AND QUIET, I FLOATED DOWN CANALS OF QUISHY MUD AND GRASSY EDGES. I SANG INTO THE FIERCE WIND AS DUSK SCRAPED OUR HILL. I GOT TO STAY UP LATE ROASTING MARSHMELLOWS OVER THE FIRE AS THE WAVES OF THE PAYETTE LAPPED THE SHORE.
IT WAS FULL OF ROMANCE AND ADVENTURE AND FAMILY AND...SWEET JOY!

IT IS VERY INTERESTING TO ME TO NOTICE, THAT THE CLOSER I AM TO MY REAL SELF, AND SHIFTING FROM THE STORY OF MYSELF I HAVE TOLD OFTEN...THE MORE THAT SWEET, ROMANTIC ADVENTURE STARTS TO SHOW ITSELF IN MY LIFE. AND THAT GIRL, WHO WAS IN-LOVE WITH LIFE AND HER BEAUTIFUL WORLD...STARTS TO STAND IN MY SHOES AND LOOK OUT MY EYES AND SMILE MY SMILE AND CRY MY TEARS AND BE...ME.

SHE IS DEAR TO ME. SHE IS MY HEART AND MY SOUL. SHE REMINDS ME OF MY DREAMS AND HOPES, AND MY LONGING FOR FAMILY AND MOUNTAINS AND TRUE LOVE... ROMANCE AND...THE SIMPLE THINGS.
I LOVE HER SPARK AND HER INQUISITIVENESS. SHE IS FULL OF SPIT AND FIRE AND...HER IMAGINATION...IS LIKE A KITE BY THE SEA, LET GO, FLOATING INTO THE SUN. 

TO HAVE THESE EYES AND BE EVEN 30 ONCE MORE...AHHHHH.
AND NOT TO BE. SO I AM HERE, WITH MY DREAMS AND HEART AND AM...
READY...OPEN.

CHANGE

LOVE

WHAT IS THIS STUFF? THIS BEATING OF OUR HEARTS?
THIS PLACE WE FEEL HAPPY, HOPEFUL & AS IF ALL IS WELL IN THE WORLD?
WHAT MAKES US WANT TO BOND, HAVE BABIES AND GROW OLD TOGETHER?
IS IT CHEMISTRY? IS IT KARMIC? DO WE HAVE A UNIVERSAL CONTRACT?
IS IT EVOLUTIONARY, TO PROPAGATE OUR GENES AND PRODUCE OFF SPRING?
IS IT SCIENCE?

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
I JUST KNOW... IS A BEING IN ME THAT WANTS TO BE SEEN, HEARD, APPRECIATED, CHERISHED AND THOUGHT OF FONDLY, AND SEEN AS ATTRACTIVE BY JUST ONE MAN.
 THIS MAN CAN'T JUST BE ONE OFF THE STREET, HE NEEDS TO SLEEP IN THE SAME BED, LIKE TO COOK DINNER WITH ME, WANT TO SHARE STUFF AND THINGS AND LAUGHS.
HE NEEDS TO BE LOYAL, TO ME AND MY !@#$%^&* AND JUNK AND MY LOVELINESS TOO.
THIS MAN IS THE LISTENER TO MY GRIPES FROM THE DAY, THE HOLDER OF MY DREAMS AND THE HEAT TO MY ORGASMS.
HE LOVES MY CHILDREN AND HIS OWN AND HE TAKES TIME TO MAKE COOKIES ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON.
THE MAN I CALL "LOVE", "SWEETNESS" AND "BABY"...WANTS TO ADVENTURE WITH ME, SEE BEAUTIFUL THINGS AND DIG IN TO THE GOOD !@#$%^&*! HE'LL DISCUSS WHAT THE HELL TO DO ABOUT TEENS SNEAKING OUT AT NIGHT, CRY WITH ME DURING GRADUATIONS AND KISS MY WORRIES AWAY.
THIS SWEET MAN, GETS ME BOILING, MAKES ME NEED TO GO ON RUNS AND DANCE MY !@#$%^&* OFF JUST SO I CAN GO HOME TONIGHT.
HE LEARNS MY BUTTONS AND PUSHES THEM.
 ...AND TOUCHES ME SO TENDERLY, I MELT, AND AM IN ONE PLACE...IN HIS SPACE AND PRESENCE...COMPLETELY.

IS THIS LOVE? SOME HAVE WRITTEN, YES, IT IS.
OTHERS SAY ITS ALL IN OUR MINDS, LOVE ISN'T REAL.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT IT IS, AND AT LEAST KNOW THE THING CALLED LOVE IS WHAT I WANT. IN THIS LIFE TIME, AND WHILE IT IS A YEARNING IN MY HEART, BODY AND BEING...I WANT TO BE LOVED AND LOVE.

A COUPLE THINGS I KNOW ABOUT LOVE.

EVERY RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE CAN BE HEALED,
EVERY RELATIONSHIP CAN BE WONDERFUL, BUT IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BEGIN WITH YOU. YOU NEED TO HAVE THE COURAGE TO USE THE TRUTH, TO TALK TO YOURSELF WITH THE TRUTH.

GAMBLE EVERYTHING FOR LOVE...
HALF-HEARTEDNESS DOESN'T REACH INTO MAJESTY.
DON'T WAIT ANY LONGER.
DIVE IN THE OCEAN,
LEAVE AND LET THE SEA BE YOU...

THE ONLY WAY OF FULL KNOWLEDGE LIES IN THE ACT OF LOVE; THIS ACT TRANSCENDS THOUGHT, IT TRANSCENDS WORDS.
IT IS THE DARING PLUNGE INTO THE EXPERIENCE OF UNION. TO LOVE SOMEBODY IS NOT JUST A STRONG FEELING...IT IS A DECISION, IT IS A JUDGEMENT, IT IS A PROMISE.

YOUR YEARNING FOR LOVE IS SO POWERFUL THAT I CAN FEEL YOUR HEART ALL THE TIME. WHEN YOU OPENLY LOVE ME I CAN FEEL YOUR HEART, BUT I CAN ALSO FEEL YOUR HEARTS YEARNING WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY OR SAD. TO ME, YOUR HEART IS ALWAYS CALLING, EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES I AM UNABLE TO OPEN WITH YOU BECAUSE YOUR EMOTIONS DIVERT ME. I MAY BE AFRAID OR DISTRACTED AND YOU MAY BE UPSET, BUT I STILL FEEL YOUR HEART'S YEARNING. AND I NED TO FEEL YOUR HEART. YOUR YEARNING DRAWS ME BACK INTO LOVE'S DEPTH. YOUR YEARNING IS MY INVITATION INTO YOUR HEART.

A BRAND NEW YEAR!


YOUR SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS LIES IN YOU. RESOLVE TO KEEP HAPPY, AND YOUR JOY AND YOU SHALL FORM AN INVINCIBLE HOST AGAINST DIFFICULTIES - HELEN KELLER

THIS IS A YEAR OF UNCERTAINTY & OF POSSIBILITIES. WHAT ARE WE FOCUSING ON? WHAT DO WE WANT TO SEE IN FRONT OF OUR EYES AND IN OUR HEARTS?
WRITING MY WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR, FEELS TO BE AN APPROPRIATE AND BEAUTIFUL THING TO DO.

* MORE JOY
* MORE AFFECTION
* MORE APPRECIATION
* MORE JOY
* MORE ADVENTURE...TRAVEL
* MORE SWEET, FANTASTIC SEX!
* MORE TIME WITH BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS
* ABUNDANCE! IN MONETARY UNITS & IN MIND, BODY, SPIRIT FORM
* EVEN HEALTHIER RELATIONS AND COMMUNICATION
* SWEET, HEART CONNECTIONS AND INTIMACY
* GUT BUSTING LAUGHS AND FUN!
* LOVE, LOVE & LOTS OF LOVE
* MORE TENDER CUDDLES
* COMMITTMENT
* NEW HORIZONS AND PERSPECTIVES
* OUTWARD ACTION THAT BUILDS TRUST & CONNECTION
* INWARD ACTION THAT BUILDS TRUST AND CONNECTION
* MORE JOY THAN THOUGHT HUMANLY POSSIBLE  :)
* KICK !@#$%^&* EXPERIENCES THAT MAKE MY EYES WATER, HEART POUND  AND LIGHT SHINE SO BRIGHT IT BLINDS AND WAKES OTHERS UP AROUND ME!
* SUCCESSFUL MOVEMENT TOWARD MY LOVE & LIFE'S WORK
* BUILDING AND SUCCESS IN FOUNDATION FOR THOSE WITH DISABILITIES
* BIG SMILE ON MY FACE ABOUT THE BLOSSOMING OF DANCE COMPANY FOR ALL!
* MORE SMILES, SMILES, SMILES & SMILES!

XO

 WRITE IT ON YOUR HEART THAT EVERY DAY IS THE BEST DAY IN THE YEAR.   - EMERSON

 LIFE IS LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE. TO KEEP YOUR BALANCE, YOU MUST KEEP MOVING.  -EINSTEIN